.Tuesday, July 18, 2006.
Changes. A word that I do not know whether I should hate or love. Some things in my life have definitely changed for the better. However, at times, this word just takes away the joy in me. I am tired of changes. Call me inflexible or anything. But I am seriously tired of all such stuff that causes so much trouble and problems. I have seen for myself how people changed, how things changed and how it made me feel bad. I really hate it. People changed. It makes me feel as if we are strangers. Things were never the same as before. Perhaps the problem just lies with me. I just feel that everything is not the same as before. It can never be the same. It used to be very good until it changed. Perhaps it didn change. It was just that I did not know that it was like that all along. Silly me. I am always gullible. I hate it when people take me for a ride. Is it foolish to believe that people will remember what I said? Is it foolish to believe that people will remember to honour their promises? Is it foolish that I honor my promises when people don?
I used to be very happy with how things were. I had fun and found joy. Now, all I see is darkness. I tried very hard to put on a smile each day, telling myself that everything would be all right. But things just were not right. At least it was not right for me. I am sorry Tan Chun. I went off first because I really needed to be alone. I know you are very worried about me. Thanks a lot for caring. Sometimes I really do not know how to put things into words. It is just so difficult. Sometimes I just keep very quiet as I really do not know what to say. I am so fake. I hate myself. I hate to put on a mask. But then again, I don want you to worry about me. In the end I met Xianling at the bus stop and we went for a drink. THANK YOU, xianling, if you were not there to talk to me I think I would not be able to survive through today. I just felt like crying on the way home. But no, I would never shed a tear. It is not worth it in this context. We sat and I talked. She listened. That was perhaps what I needed. Someone who understands everything to listen to me. After which, I walked home. Many thoughts flooded my mind. Memories and all. I smiled at the thought of the past. BUT, it is never going to be the same. NEVER. I feel that it is my fault.
But then again, I did nothing. I am confused. I am tired. Whatever man. I am just going to leave things as it is and let whatever that is going to happen to happen. I was very happy a few days ago. But now I am confused. Mood swings- that was what they called it. Fine, so my mood just swung again. 180 degrees. Okay, now I feel better after venting everything out. All I need is time. Time to forget about the past. Time to get used to how my life used to be. The past was just a dream. It was always a dream. But I was naïve to think that it was true. But I forgot that it was too good to be true. I never deserved to go through good stuff. I am never worth it. Some people call that inferior. I am not going to bother anymore. Things can just flip and change like never before. I have enough of facing this change in situation. Now I seriously understand. God is the only one I can trust all the time.
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